King of Navigation and the Mermaidian Grim Reaper

THALASSA: So, Poseidon, tell us about your watery domain…

POSEIDON: Well, my two brothers and I divided up creation, no biggie. I got the sea, Zeus got the sky, and Hades got the Underworld. The sea was my second choice, actually, as I do have a soft spot for the Underworld, as you know, but I think I’ve finally come to terms with it. Well, you never know, though, one day I may rule all three.

THALASSA: Wouldn’t that be a lot of work? How could you oversee three places?

POSEIDON: I could manage it, easily, better, in fact. Zeus is a bit lazy, to be honest, and Hades, well, Hades doesn’t appreciate his position. Always wishing he were somewhere else. I mean, what else would you need in the Underworld?! They have everything. It’s amazing!

THALASSA: Have you been? I thought that once you’re in, there’s no escape?

POSEIDON: Hades was having a one off open day, just for writers, to give them inspiration. They got the opportunity to chat to ancient authors. He made a fortune. One gold ingot entry fee.

THALASSA: Fascinating. Who did you get to meet?

POSEIDON: I went straight to Tatarus and asked Sisyphus why he murdered his dinner guests, and to show me his rock collection, then a quick trip to the Elysian Fields to ask Shakespeare about his alternative ending of The Tempest

THALASSA: What did he say about The Tempest?

POSEIDON: Sorry, can’t tell you that. It’s a future idea for a sequel

THALASSA: Right, ok, so what injuries did you sustain in striking the acropolis with your prong?

POSEIDON: Ah, it was nothing really, just gouged my left eyeball and lost a couple of digits. The Greek Chronicle made a big fuss about it, so I killed them all in an earthquake

THALASSA: Ah, yes, your brothers called you the Earth Shaker. Walk us through your day as Poseidon

POSEIDON: I’m a bit like a lighthouse, really, King of Navigation, making sure sailors are safe, conjuring a storm if I’m a bit moody, killing people if they insult my new beard shape, that kinda thing.

THALASSA: Thankyou for the interview, Poseidon

POSEIDON: My pleasure. So, Thalassa, I protect sailors and you lure them to their death! Funny old world, isn’t it? What have you got against sailors?

THALASSA: I think we’re both quite dangerous, really, Poseidon. Well, quite simply, sailors are a perfectly balanced diet for us sirens. What else are we supposed to eat? Crabs? Eels. Ugh. Not a chance!

POSEIDON: But isn’t it about power? Having control over men? Luring sailors to their death is a game to you?

THALASSA: Nah, it’s just survival. I don’t enjoy it. I can’t even sing in tune, for Hades sake, but the sailors seem to like my discordancy. Oh, yeah, and I also match their souls to their celestial host, but sometimes it gets complicated, and mixed up, like a comedy of errors.

POSEIDON: Can you give us a song?

THALASSA: Erm, well, no, because I would die, wouldn’t I, if a non-sailor heard my song?

POSEIDON: Ah…moving on. So how would you describe your daily life?

THALASSA: I’m a bit like a mermaidian grim reaper, to be honest, noticing sailors who are going to die soon anyway (they always have a purple aura) ringing up their celestial host, booking them in, singing discordantly, killing them, and then feasting on their fleshy shells, before the whales get a whiff

POSEIDON: Thankyou, Thalassa

Copyright © Deborah Edgeley

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