ROBOT PRIEST faces audience
SINNER sits sideways to ROBOT PRIEST
SINNER: (Crosses themselves) Bless me Robot Priest for I have sinned. It’s been one year since my last confession.
ROBOT PRIEST: Go on, Sinner.
SINNER: I blocked somebody on Bookface.
ROBOT PRIEST: Have this stone slab for your neck to keep your head bowed.
SINNER: I walked past a homeless man and didn’t give him any money, even though it was payday.
ROBOT PRIEST: Spend two days fasting, outside Greggs.
SINNER: Talking about food, I bought a really expensive lasagne, when a no frills one could have done. Plus, I could have made it from scratch. Wait…that’s two deadly sins in one. Sorry. Oh, and I hoard things.
ROBOT PRIEST: Forget the lasagne. Hoard what?
ROBOT PRIEST: Why?
SINNER: So I can display them.
ROBOT PRIEST: To thimble lovers?
SINNER: No, in my living room. Makes me look interesting to others…
ROBOT PRIEST: Maybe you should think about going thimble-less. It serves no purpose if they aren’t practical. Do you do any sewing? How many thimbles does a person need?
SINNER: They are pottery thimbles.
ROBOT PRIEST: Ridiculous *coughs* Oh, problem solved, then. Suggestion: Use as water cups for insects on your window ledge.
SINNER: I don’t read about politics, but I read silly articles about celebrities.
ROBOT PRIEST: Neither do I. So do I…
SINNER: Sometimes I can’t be bothered to brush my own hair.
ROBOT PRIEST: I suggest you run continuously at top speed, every day, on waking, for ten minutes, for the rest of your life.
SINNER: I was angry with my boss for reducing my hours.
ROBOT PRIEST: Don’t be a double slave to yourself.
SINNER: Robot Priest have mercy on me!
Do not look upon my sins
But take away all my guilt. Here (gives ROBOT PRIEST a black heart, which he rips up)
Create in me a clean heart
And renew within me
an upright spirit.
(SINNER receives absolution from ROBOT PRIEST and receives a white heart)
ROBOT PRIEST: (short circuits) The audience is your conscience (repeat x 6)
Copyright © Deborah Edgeley