The Bennetting Pintercats of Meldrew Avenue

Ball of wool on floor rolled between both characters

MUNGO: How are you finding it?

PRUDEY: (scratches back of neck) Bit itchy, to be honest, especially when I’m doing my 3 o’clock wash. My paw bumps into it

MUNGO: Hmm, it’s not as if we’d go that far though, is it? Mind you, Floof went 56 miles North back to his previous human

PRUDEY: I don’t blame him. If my human carries on, I’ll do the same, though I’m rubbish with directions. By the way, have you been presented with that new pouch yet?

MUNGO: The one with peas and carrots from The Wet Nose brand?

PRUDEY: Yes! Force feeding us veg. Abuse! Deprivation of liberty!

MUNGO: What next? A pudding version of Spotted Richard and custard?

PRUDEY: Yuck…Ha, yeah, anyway, not only does mine itch, it vibrates when there’s a thunderstorm

MUNGO: Double tremors? Unthinkable. You must have a faulty one, but how do you tell them?

PRUDEY: Extra meows, hunger strike? Point my paw to my neck?

MUNGO: Yeah, right. As if they’ll understand…

PRUDEY: All this technology nowadays, they should invent a way for cats to speak to humans

MUNGO: They can’t even get the microchip right, let alone anything advanced like that. Imagine the things that could go wrong? Mis-translations, subtle pauses mistaken for aloofness, black humour mistaken for wickedness. It would all be guesswork. We would have to have some input and devise a second version. Besides, what would we talk about with them? The weather? Existentialism?

PRUDEY: Well, we’re quite au fait with those subjects, and mine harp on about both all the time, so yeah, that’s two for starters.

(Pause)

(Both MUNGO and PRUDEY stare into space)

MUNGO: You going anywhere this year?

PRUDEY: Two weeks in November, apparently, at Aunty Joan’s. Excellent victuals, though she only hoovers fortnightly, and there’s always a faint smell of urine in every room

MUNGO: So where are your humans off to?

PRUDEY: A flight free jolly in Finland. Looks like they’re finally getting a footprint conscience.

MUNGO: Thought they liked hot places?

PRUDEY: It’s all about the search for the Northern Lights after watching that talking bear on TV

MUNGO: If only they knew we could talk. We could give them our review of the whole series

PRUDEY: We may have a choice of what to watch!

MUNGO: Good point. What would be the first thing you would say to your human?

PRUDEY: Less with the goo-goo talk, I’m not an idiot. You?

MUNGO: Any chance I could sleep on your cashmere jumper, mate?

Sound of thunderstorm

PRUDEY tremors

End

Copyright © Deborah Edgeley

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